Dark Nights

Indulgences: 2 trips to starbucks this week, holiday drinks(what's the difference between espresso truffle and cafe mocha? care to enlighten me? they're both delicious.), fashion blog surfing, Actually being slightly interested in one of those lame videos that you watch in class that EVERYONE sleeps to, thinking that a classmate is SO adorable in that baby-cute way(even though he's only a couple of years younger than me), thinking that Mr. Doctor is totally adorable in a baby-cute/quirky cute sort of way, watching nicole win antm(YESSSS. i was rooting for her all along.)
Listening to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnDtb6va_TI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=559drxD_yGU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMrqBldlqzA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP_B0dTrvv0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4duPAhDGHhk
(old addicted/repeat youtube stuff, basically)
Love: people who can hold their own ground, super friendly employees, being cheery while singing choir songs/stupid things, strangely awesome awkward people, giant gummy bears, hot chocolate+soft blanket+fuzzy socks on a cold night,
Desire: TO BE FREAKING DONE WITH COLLEGE APPS. 'nough said...., fashionable clothes and shoes and accessories, SLR+awesome photog&model skills, long wavy hair with straight bangs(slightly edgy looking) and to be able to do the edgy curly bob, cooperative hair, closer relationships

picture 1:gorgeous. makes me wish i was white/have that classy, romantic essence.
picture 2: also makes me wish I was white&living in europe. she's absolutely adorable. Love her blog. So freaking jealous of europeans.

Tuesday EARLY morning. Was a complete rebel and snuck out at 1 in the morning to see meteors. Didn't even do homework. Saw quite a few, but there was one in particular that was SPECTACULAR/BREATHTAKING. (: Next meteor shower in December. Can't wait.

I'm starting to really freak out about anything and everything. To the point where I can't concentrate on one task for more than like 2 minutes. seriously. I can't even concentrate on taking a break and write on this blog...
wtfmate. Essays. DAMN. DAMN. DDAMN.
i just realized. I have no idea who i'm going to have to read over my essays and edit them.
i'm so screwed out of my mind that it just amazes me.
I couldn't fall asleep very easily two days ago because of all the stress.
Then when i DID fall asleep. I had a horrible dream.
BASICALLY. i had a dream where i went off campus to eat lunch with friends. but for some reason, i got out of the car and decided to walk to the place we were going (because the driver kept going the wrong way) so.. i kept walking and walking and it was dark all of a sudde (??) and this was in the del amo/torrance area. But anyway, a car near me, while walking, gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. So I just looked, and kept walking. but all of a sudden, the guy in the car pulls out this machine gun and starts shooting. so i immediately fall to the floor for cover, then the guy starts aiming at me. and shoots me a couple of times in the leg. So, i'm on the floor, bleeding. and the cop waits like a couple of minutes then comes over to me with this huge like red pump/needle thing. and JAMS it in my chest and starts pumping. and like in the dream i can like FEEL it like iono, it was INSANE. And then i remember that i havn't eaten anything, so for some reason in my mind it's like. since i didn't eat anything, my blood is thinner, and so i'm bleeding more. And i KNOW i'm going to die.
then i wake up.
it's really weird. because, previously, i've had a couple of dreams where other people died. And in each one, i wake up to find myself crying. So, you'd think that in this dream, the one where I die, i'd wake up crying too, right? but i woke up just pretty.. regularishly. weird? i think so.

There's all these things I want to blog about. But I feel so guilty if i spend that much time blogging.
but then while applying i'm so uncertain, and unfocused, and freaking out that i can't get anything done.
And for school i'm just so lazy and so flustered and hopeless.
And for hobbies i'm just so guilty, insecure, frustrated
So all i end up doing is sort-of-not-really sleeping. More like closing my eyes, but not getting real rest. Sleeping with the lights on/on the couch(or very often, a combo of both) never really does it for me.
All this sleep, and yet always tired, restless, unenergetic.
and while in face of other people, i attempt to conjure up every bit of energy in me to appear unzombie like.
helpp.

Can't wait for these apps to be freaking over with.
Coffee house dec 1 to celebrate being over with apps. choir thinger on dec 2. want to go to rosebowl flea market dec 13, REMINDER TO SELF: DO PICTURE BOARD FOR ASSEMBLY DUE DEC 6., eff yes. after apps, i definitely need some REELAXXINGGGG TIMEEE. definitely going to start cooking dinner, playing guitar, possibly using that sewing machine, music seshing, shopping, magazine reading, anything everything after apps. But once first semester is over.... concerts! going to far places! mini road trips! YES. PLEASE COME TO ME NOW.

I realized. More and more increasingly, my relationship with my parents is disappearing. Not only is it that we don't see each other much. And when we ARE both at home, i'm asleep or they're asleep, or they're upstairs while i'm downstairs. But when those seldom dinners come when we're actually at the table together eating. Like just right now. Dad and I eating. This is basically what happened. He's eating, i get food sit down and eat. *silent eating...
Dad: "so, UC's are due nov 30th, what about USC?"
Me: "Dec first for scholarship possibility"
Dad:"and without?"
Me:"January"
Dad:"what about CSU's?"
Me: "they're due on nov 30th"
Dad:"oh"
*silence, dad finishes eating, leaves to take laptop upstairs. I continue eating....
A lot of the time I feel like strangers to my parents. I have a feeling like they don't really know me at all/much. *shrug, maybe it's all in my head(part of that teenage mindset.)

alright. well, that's all for now. I have more to say, but i'm forcing myself to stop here and not write again on here until I finish some of my essays. My goal is to be so concentrated on my essays and get so much done, that for some sanity, i'm forced to write on this blog. (be THAT much level of production), but i have a feeling...that's not going to happen.(but we can always hope right?)
there's always hope.

Je T'aime loves,
Heather
Photocredit: http://igorandandre.blogspot.com/, http://www.leblogdebetty.com/