Dark Nights

Indulgences: 2 trips to starbucks this week, holiday drinks(what's the difference between espresso truffle and cafe mocha? care to enlighten me? they're both delicious.), fashion blog surfing, Actually being slightly interested in one of those lame videos that you watch in class that EVERYONE sleeps to, thinking that a classmate is SO adorable in that baby-cute way(even though he's only a couple of years younger than me), thinking that Mr. Doctor is totally adorable in a baby-cute/quirky cute sort of way, watching nicole win antm(YESSSS. i was rooting for her all along.)
Listening to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnDtb6va_TI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=559drxD_yGU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMrqBldlqzA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP_B0dTrvv0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4duPAhDGHhk
(old addicted/repeat youtube stuff, basically)
Love: people who can hold their own ground, super friendly employees, being cheery while singing choir songs/stupid things, strangely awesome awkward people, giant gummy bears, hot chocolate+soft blanket+fuzzy socks on a cold night,
Desire: TO BE FREAKING DONE WITH COLLEGE APPS. 'nough said...., fashionable clothes and shoes and accessories, SLR+awesome photog&model skills, long wavy hair with straight bangs(slightly edgy looking) and to be able to do the edgy curly bob, cooperative hair, closer relationships

picture 1:gorgeous. makes me wish i was white/have that classy, romantic essence.
picture 2: also makes me wish I was white&living in europe. she's absolutely adorable. Love her blog. So freaking jealous of europeans.

Tuesday EARLY morning. Was a complete rebel and snuck out at 1 in the morning to see meteors. Didn't even do homework. Saw quite a few, but there was one in particular that was SPECTACULAR/BREATHTAKING. (: Next meteor shower in December. Can't wait.

I'm starting to really freak out about anything and everything. To the point where I can't concentrate on one task for more than like 2 minutes. seriously. I can't even concentrate on taking a break and write on this blog...
wtfmate. Essays. DAMN. DAMN. DDAMN.
i just realized. I have no idea who i'm going to have to read over my essays and edit them.
i'm so screwed out of my mind that it just amazes me.
I couldn't fall asleep very easily two days ago because of all the stress.
Then when i DID fall asleep. I had a horrible dream.
BASICALLY. i had a dream where i went off campus to eat lunch with friends. but for some reason, i got out of the car and decided to walk to the place we were going (because the driver kept going the wrong way) so.. i kept walking and walking and it was dark all of a sudde (??) and this was in the del amo/torrance area. But anyway, a car near me, while walking, gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. So I just looked, and kept walking. but all of a sudden, the guy in the car pulls out this machine gun and starts shooting. so i immediately fall to the floor for cover, then the guy starts aiming at me. and shoots me a couple of times in the leg. So, i'm on the floor, bleeding. and the cop waits like a couple of minutes then comes over to me with this huge like red pump/needle thing. and JAMS it in my chest and starts pumping. and like in the dream i can like FEEL it like iono, it was INSANE. And then i remember that i havn't eaten anything, so for some reason in my mind it's like. since i didn't eat anything, my blood is thinner, and so i'm bleeding more. And i KNOW i'm going to die.
then i wake up.
it's really weird. because, previously, i've had a couple of dreams where other people died. And in each one, i wake up to find myself crying. So, you'd think that in this dream, the one where I die, i'd wake up crying too, right? but i woke up just pretty.. regularishly. weird? i think so.

There's all these things I want to blog about. But I feel so guilty if i spend that much time blogging.
but then while applying i'm so uncertain, and unfocused, and freaking out that i can't get anything done.
And for school i'm just so lazy and so flustered and hopeless.
And for hobbies i'm just so guilty, insecure, frustrated
So all i end up doing is sort-of-not-really sleeping. More like closing my eyes, but not getting real rest. Sleeping with the lights on/on the couch(or very often, a combo of both) never really does it for me.
All this sleep, and yet always tired, restless, unenergetic.
and while in face of other people, i attempt to conjure up every bit of energy in me to appear unzombie like.
helpp.

Can't wait for these apps to be freaking over with.
Coffee house dec 1 to celebrate being over with apps. choir thinger on dec 2. want to go to rosebowl flea market dec 13, REMINDER TO SELF: DO PICTURE BOARD FOR ASSEMBLY DUE DEC 6., eff yes. after apps, i definitely need some REELAXXINGGGG TIMEEE. definitely going to start cooking dinner, playing guitar, possibly using that sewing machine, music seshing, shopping, magazine reading, anything everything after apps. But once first semester is over.... concerts! going to far places! mini road trips! YES. PLEASE COME TO ME NOW.

I realized. More and more increasingly, my relationship with my parents is disappearing. Not only is it that we don't see each other much. And when we ARE both at home, i'm asleep or they're asleep, or they're upstairs while i'm downstairs. But when those seldom dinners come when we're actually at the table together eating. Like just right now. Dad and I eating. This is basically what happened. He's eating, i get food sit down and eat. *silent eating...
Dad: "so, UC's are due nov 30th, what about USC?"
Me: "Dec first for scholarship possibility"
Dad:"and without?"
Me:"January"
Dad:"what about CSU's?"
Me: "they're due on nov 30th"
Dad:"oh"
*silence, dad finishes eating, leaves to take laptop upstairs. I continue eating....
A lot of the time I feel like strangers to my parents. I have a feeling like they don't really know me at all/much. *shrug, maybe it's all in my head(part of that teenage mindset.)

alright. well, that's all for now. I have more to say, but i'm forcing myself to stop here and not write again on here until I finish some of my essays. My goal is to be so concentrated on my essays and get so much done, that for some sanity, i'm forced to write on this blog. (be THAT much level of production), but i have a feeling...that's not going to happen.(but we can always hope right?)
there's always hope.

Je T'aime loves,
Heather
Photocredit: http://igorandandre.blogspot.com/, http://www.leblogdebetty.com/

je suis désolé

Indulgences: Eating until I can almost not breathe, reminiscing on old missed memories, actually enjoying some choir rehersals
Listening to: Carla Bruni, The Weepies, French music
Love: good singing, connecting, real conversations, genuine joyfulness/dedication, listening to other people talk about things, astonishing photography
Desire: perfect pitch, good resonance sort of sound/uniquely good singing voice, to excel and freaking get started on my new hobbies, more concentration on God, a moment like <= that

are you in the mood to be subdued?

My mood at the moment was very,.. uncertain. romantic, nostalgic, reminiscent, lazy,
Last last weekend, had a Vista Grande photo. It made me think of all the old times whether good or bad. Remembering the people i used to hang out with and now i barely know anything about them. Goes the same with Ridgecrest. Old crushes, old friends, old traditions, old anything. Things left behind. I tend to look on the past a lot, which is bad. And I can never really focus on what I have right now. Each time i see someone I always think of the before, but that goes for some people more than others.

fail: didn't go to fashion month things, nor did i go to any halloween haunt for the first time since liek.. 7th or sixth grade, didn't go to hellokitty happening thing, didn't go to truffle tasting

yup.
This weekend was halloween. Didn't really do much cept get together with some of the girls, make cool foil stuff , get free chipotle and go to yogurtland. yum yum. got meee a seven dollar pie. oh yeahhhh.

at times i get really irritated with people in general, such as stupid people who like to flaunt themselves in untasteless ways. I mean, like if you're going to show off your assests, do it in a way that's actually attractive.
But then sometimes i love people in general. seeing how different people are. Some are so incredibly compassionate and caring towards their friends, some are extremely talented and are able to do all sorts of different things. I really do think that every single person is interesting and good in some way or another.

You either are a christian or you're not. You either believe or you don't. You either have faith, or you don't. I'm having troubles with this point that was brought up during church. I mean, it makes total sense. But I can't seem to know where to place myself. At the moment I'm feeling liek i'm lingering in the grey area between having faith and don't, since my faith isn't strong. but if it's only partial, does that mean that i don't have faith at all? maybe. i'm not really sure.
So, I guess i just got to work on that. making it full. I need to start studying the bible more, because i'm so terribly weak in the bible knowledge apartment that it's depressing. Yeah, I definitely regret that huge lapse in time where i missed church and religious education to go to chinese school instead. and i STILL don't know chinese. it was a lose lose sort of thing.
Also, it's really difficult at my church since it's largely principle ish. Like... it's easy to feel influenced and christiany through emotional sort of ways. but it's amazing that my church makes me realize that i can't be a christian just based on those temporary powerful emotions. It's also the continuous discipline, principle and spirit that needs to be applied in order to maintain a strong religious faith.

So, it's not really hitting me yet that i am SO INCREDIBLY INSANELY behind on college applications. You don't understand, i havn't even started my essays, cause i can't seem to think of a topic. I am THE WORST essay writer you will meet that is this age. I'm not joking. Definitely regreting skipping out on all those books needed to be read, actually trying to write good essays, etc. I sound like a first grader in comparison to all of my other classmates. It's pathetic. And the worst part is, is that I can't catch up anymore. I'm simply illiterate. I'm flustered. I'm unknowledgible. I'm uninteresting. I'm cliche.

it's official. I am going to europe. sent in my money. actually, i'm not sure if i made it in, but i'm like 90% sure i'm in. european dream 2010 here i come. Excited, afraid, eager, curious, all wrapped up and bouncing around in me. Super excited for london, paris, rome. Aaah.(: I'm wondering how in the world i'm going to pack. I remember my sister told me that one of the hotels she went to during her euro trip they had to carry their luggage up a buncha stairs. but she luckily had my cousin with her to help. I however,... oh my, i don't think i'd be able to do that. oomph.

Someday I'll fly away.

In the mood for singing and watching semiromantic movies/shows, but mainly the former. Possibly Moulin Rouge?. I also want to watch Paris, Je taime. never seen that one, but it sounds like it'd be good.

All of my posts, are written over a long time span of mulitple days, plus they're not connecting, unorganized thoughts just rambling on. Fabulous, ey?
That's it for this moment...

Je Taime, Heather