Drone

Indulgences: lots of eating, finally going to the riverside museum, visiting a friend, going bowling, being cramped with a million asians at the 626 night market, becoming treasurer, watching the avengers midnight showing, watching a dance show, bought a moleskine, watching batman, eating at piccolo in venice, a second 626 market, going to the oc fair. artwalk, legoland, extraordinary desserts, meeting with good friends/good talks, la fair, lots of shows (master chef, suits, heroes, glee, project runway, glee project... etc.), visiting ucla, hanging in la with riverside friends, mao games, color me mine, raving rabbids, monopoly deal games, watching perks,
Desire: to go to a pen dance show again and choir show and drama production., confidence, to feel at home with my surroundings/ to find some place where I thrive, to bring some passion into my life, to be a better person, to be more productive, to be hardworking, to feel like i'm at the prime of my youth
Listening to: the sound of crickets chirping during the night, James Morrison: Wonderful World
Love: pierre (a giant tuxedo sam), piggy bowl, the thought that it's going to get colder soon, unexpected good things, the idea of things,

So there are all these things that I wanted to write about but never got to.  And I'm not going to talk about them in this post either.  Maybe in a post sometime soon. in the future. who knows.
That post is going to be of thoughts i've accumulated the past couple of months. good reminders to myself. Something good to reflect on.
This post, however, is not that. This is one of those: I need somewhere to write down how I feel cause I ain't doing so great at the moment--kind of posts. It's that post where I look back on and think: dang, I am incredibly melodramatic and really wished I didn't post this as a reminder to future me of how stupid I was/am. but, nonetheless, here it is.

For some reason, for the past week or so, I feel like something's slowly tearing my heart and soul away from me.  and yet I have no clue what or why.  I feel like a different person, or at least someone similar.. but a darker, worse version.  It's one of those times where I secretly wished (and yet didn't) that there was actually something in my life that I can legitimately be sad about, just so that I can feel less like a dramatic teenager (or, excuse me, I mean a "young adult"). But it's just been some of those days where you just feel like crying your eyes out and secretly glare at everything and mutter hatred things in your mind and feel so mindless and soulless and so.. dead.
I feel like a drone.

Also,... why is it that I feel like everyone out there is moving somewhere in their life except for me?  I feel like everyone's growing, learning, achieving.  While I'm just plain.. stagnant.

I'm going to regret this,
I-really-need-to-suck-it-up-heather.

Dusty

So maybe I'm stressed because I have a final tomorrow that I'm incredibly unprepared for. or maybe I'm letting my emotions get the best of me....
          Hating and being jealous takes a large amount of energy.  Especially since I don't often dislike someone to this extent to let it affect me.  I've become distracted, to the point where I can't even concentrate on reading a lecture slide or do anything at all, in that case.  What I usually do is try to sleep it off, but of course, at the moment, I can't. Instead,  I just think about how I'm feeling and how worked up I feel, which causes me to be even MORE worked up.
I think I've learned today that maybe I've never actually applied the concept of loving your enemy from the bible into my daily life.  Because it's INCREDIBLY difficult.

I needed comfort.  I just needed it to get out of my mind.  Honestly, I just want the person to disappear forever. But, I can't.
Instead, for some reason, I reached for my neglected ol' bible sitting in the back of my desk shelf, that's been untouched since.. I can't remember.


"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction,faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.
¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[d] says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

    if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”^[e]

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

(Romans 12:9-21)

And in these Words, I found my-- almost-- serenity.  In You, I shall find peace.  New Year's Resolution.

I have not forgotten You yet.

And by posting this, I hope that one day I may come back to read this and think: oh how foolish I was to wait so long to come back to You. 

I hope that from here, the only way is up.

May all the glory be unto His holy name.

Amen.

Bipolar

This is Tanya. I guess you can say she's my bestfriend. ;) Her birthday's coming up! :D Oh, and please stare at her weird shoes. You're welcome. (:

Indulgences: visiting friends at their apartment once, valentines night, eating out way too much, spending too much money, going to the bonfire, tripping out on 'druggy' glasses, going to Heat, going to the gym a couple of times, not feeding my roommate, way too much fastfood/mcdonalds, bloglovin, style.com lookin,
Desire: paint my nails, a break, to actually enjoy the classes i'm taking, for my roommate to clean on a regular basis and actually contribute to the apt, productivity, passion, to thrive, more details in my life, courage, to break out of the irony(tv), to mature, a solid friend at riverside, to reconnect with friends at home, to decide, to read my books, some reflection time, to start my journal, to get my stuff done, organization, enough energy/time to concentrate on everything i want/need to in life
Listening to: Angus and Julia Stone
Love: Out of the Box, 85 stitched into 1 Super Dancer, the voice, those moments where the wind stops blowing and your skin soaks up every ounce of heat it can, that moment where I came to terms with the crazy wind, those craves for art and inspiration, those dumb small realizations, the feeling i get when someone compliments how nice/homey my apt is, marchesa

I had a weird dream the other night.  I woke up and I could tell that I was on the verge of crying.  I felt these pangs of sadness, fear, regret, anger, and confusion.. all at once.  I couldn't understand why I felt that way and what made me feel this way.  All I could do was shower, brush it off, kick it to the back of my mind... And know that it'll slowly creep it's way back into my life sometime or another.

On another note:
I'm hating on the weather right now. SUPER WINDY and FREEZING one moment, next moment it's BURNING hot!
AND it's CRAZY DRY.
AND riverside has THE worst air pollution and i'm feeling it.
i miss pv and it's clean crisp air. and it's normal/regulated weather. *sighhh.

That's it for now,
Sincerely,
Heather

Ethnics.

Ohai David! Pretty good quality for an Iphone (i guess)

Indulgences: not exercising weekly like I promised ><, FINALLY making THE BRACELETS :D, dressed up dinner and white elephant w/ the Rfriends, eating out a lot, finally hitting the gym..once (and then getting sick), eating a bunch of cough drops, finally having that lunch that I said I'd have w/ angie, meeting a new family member, rummikub/marioparty/cookies/milkshakes night, making chicken soup, watching the voice, not studying for my ethnic studies midterm(tomorrow) this second, searching for new music,
Desire: a break from the midterms/papers, a better sense of myself, creativity, well-roundedness, inspiration, to see canyon court (cause they look SO FREAKIN CUTE.), additions to my wardrobe (and money to support it), more time to work on hobbies, better grammar, sophistication, more will to do things, to be able to capture images in my mind and print them out JUST HOW I WANT, to experience something truly breathtaking (as in literally skipping an inhale out of amazement), to reconnect with people/friends, REALLY CHEWY fresh asian noodles, malaysian food, indian food, really good food(basically)
Listening to: Of Monsters and Men: Little Talks, Walk Off the Earth: Somebody that I Used to Know (cover), Cillia Jane, Oh Land: Sun of a Gun(Jacob Plant Remix), Laura Marling: Goodbye England, and lots other newly good found songs. :D
Love: my thursday break (sitting on the arts building, listening to music, reading a book, relaxing, thinking, people watching, and secretly feeling incredibly cool for looking like a chass kid), little things that cheer you up, new recipes that spark interest, tackling lists (and making them), the (good kind of ) unexpected, when someone trusts you with a secret/knowing any kind of secret, Etiquette for a Lady,
Random Thoughts: it makes me feel awkward when people say things like "i popped my ____ cherry" and "i'm a ____ virgin" (insert some sort of action, place, food, or whatever else), I need a FB break but probably won't, I've been judgmental lately, my backpack being caught in that girl's hair was probably one of the most embarrassing moments in my life, i feel like that one street corner is cursed with bees (and it freaks me out to cross there), I am REALLY afraid and nervous for my midterm (yet can't get myself to study for it), i'm wondering what he was thinking when i told him,

BY THE WAY: This post is all over the place.

I feel that since people are so dependent on technology, we miss out on opportunities that could have been.  Here are some examples.  Walking to class: texting/listening to music, I could have missed out on hearing someone/seeing someone pass by that I knew to stop for a chat.  Waiting for class to start: texting/playing a game/listening to music; instead I could have met someone new and struck up a conversation with someone.  Sitting at home: go on the internet, watch tv; instead, I could have walked to a friend's apartment to chat, or done something actually productive.

Dear Henry/Hector/H...,

I know that I'll never see you again and never have the chance to apologize.  But, I'm sorry.  I truely am flattered at your compliment and your attempt to introduce yourself.  I am in shock of my reaction and behavior towards you.  I didn't register that you said you wanted to be friends after I had already begun walking away.  I do not want to be perceived as one of those girls, ...ever.   And by "one of those girls" I mean to say one of those girls that are think they're attractive and belittle others who are not; the ones who get boyfriends and never talk other people and shut down anyone who tries; the ones that are pretty much snobbish.  But then again, I'm stereotyping, and judging... so maybe I DO have "one of those girls" characteristics.  Once again, I'm sorry.  Especially sorry for my awkwardness.  I don't take compliments very gracefully.

Sincerely,

That one girl you saw walking.

SO.  Something that my ethnic studies professor and TA brought up has been itching at me for a while.
They convey this anger and resentment towards children's education for the way history is taught.  They all resent the Columbus story of discovery.  She (TA) resents be "indoctrinated" with the pledge of allegiance.  Learning about history as a child is now "indoctrination" as if we were brainwashed.  In a sense, I can understand their beliefs and why they have come to these conclusions.  However, if I realistically thought about the types of historical facts that they wanted us to know as children, I would be outraged.  I understand that they believe that not knowing these negative facts about the US putting loads of people in genocidal situations is considered ignorant and naive.  However, Would they REALLY want their 10 year old daughter knowing these things too?  I feel as if the world is already filled with so many negative things, that is it really that bad to hold off on some negativity until people have aged?  Imagine the sorts of consequences of telling children these facts when they're so young.  What twisted souls would result!!  I was sitting on the arts building during my class gap and there were these two girl scouts running up and down the building, surrounding me.  At that moment, it was one of those times in which I wished SO BADLY to be able to capture a moment with my eyes and to have it kept forever.  Because their innocence seemed so pure and unattainable to me.  And I wouldn't want to ruin that sort of innocence in a child for any reason, not even to factually educate them about US's true history.

So, at the moment I've found myself taking classes in which I was unexpected at the material that's actually presented in lecture as compared to the material in which I thought I would be learning.  First, History was a minor deviation from my expectation: is concentrated only on the political and military aspects.  I for one, am not really interested in those two sections but rather find more interest in social and artistic aspects in history.  So it was a bit difficult to suck it up and continue on with the course.  Secondly,  "Intro to Architecture and Urbanism" definitely caught my eye because I am fascinated by buildings, architecture, and design in general.  So i thought the class would be a sort of introduction to the architecture field.  Learning small aspects of architecture and the such.  Instead, I've found myself stuck in a class that is focused on suburbia through the entire quarter.  The SUBURBIA, which to be honest, to me, seems like one of the least interesting topics that I could study.  But, there are those sparks of interest (FEW may I add) that occur here and there, during lecture.  Third, in which I am least disappointed, is in Ethnic Studies.  I fantasized about this interesting course of learning different aspects of different cultures and learning the mind sets and ins and outs of different ethnic groups.  A celebration of diversity (in which the united states boasts about today).  Instead, I find myself in a course which bashes the history of America and reveals the raw and graphic vulnerable ages of the minorities.  I am appreciative that the university finds it important to ensure that students are not ignorant of America's past (and present) mistakes, however, I feel that this course's concentration doesn't lead its students in any better direction.  I found that since taking this course, I have also conjured up feelings of angst/anger towards groups of people because they have wronged another group.  I find this counterproductive to the goal that I feel ethnic studies should try to achieve.  I feel that ethnic studies should try to create a society in which people are more accepting other ethnicities, which is created by the acknowledgement of differences of cultures.  However, this knowledge of differences should be presented in a positive manner, in which students would be shown that its okay to be a deviation from the modern day "acceptable" white behavior, and better yet, differences should be celebrated.  Instead, I feel as if ethnic studies not only creates negative mind sets, but also creates a slight amount of fear of being different, because we are shown countless cases of how people were brutally prejudiced, killed, and raped because of their difference.
...I wonder how I'll perceive my rant, later on in life if I choose to take the time to actually reread it.

That's it for now!
Sincerely,
That one girl from that one place from that one time.

Him

Dear You,

I havn't forgotten You yet, I promise.  I know that it seems that I have.   I know we havn't spoken in quite a while.  But often times when I don't know where to turn to, I still think of You.   When I feel afraid, I still secretly trust and hope in You.  I know that I don't deserve You, but one day I'll try.   One day, I'll try again for You.  I'll love You, not as much as You love me, but I'll still try my best.  Don't lose hope in me just yet please. If You do, I'm afraid I'll lose hope too.

From,
Me.

Closed

NOT NYE fireworks. TRICKED YA!

So, I wanted to write a reflection post of my past year, seeing that it was recently New Year's Day.
The problem with this is that I have a terrible memory and a year is a VERY long time span of memories to recall on. But I'll try my best. (:

2011.
That was the year I got my DLSR (or... started using it)
That was the year I realized who I would most likely try to keep in touch with.
That was the year that I had to get accustomed to my sister and mother living in northern California and pretty much splitting my family in half. (and missed them a bunch and realized how my family is balanced by each member)
That was the year that I met Eric and obliviously went on our first date.
That was the year that my life was filled with a bunch of other guy drama and being ninja'd on a different date. (which was not very enjoyable.)
That was the year that I was still uncertain about.. many things. (typical.)
That was the year that I found out Paik had a boyfriend.
That was the year that I spent a lot of time with Riverside friends and planned a bunch of birthday gatherings and such.
That was the year I started breaking out like crazy.
That was the year that I transitioned from being a kindergarten teacher's helper at church to a non-church attender. (Because of re-evaluation, laziness, uncertainty, and fear.)
That was the year that owned my butt in grades and proved to myself that some things never change. (and if I don't start making a conscious effort in school, I WON'T get by.)
That was the year I got to see Wong Fu and Clara Chung at school.
That was the year that I felt as if I started to become more mean and less true to myself.
That was the year that I first went to a drive in movie theater.
That was the year that I heard about Mike.
That was the year that I went camping in a LONG, long time.
That was the year that I saw the Voice's finale. live.
That was the year that I got a job at Old Navy.  And realized that working retail sucks.
That was the year that I spent a lot of time with my sister during summer.
That was the year I had that nice night with Kris and we talked about the past.
That was the year of the letter.
That was the year where I was more blunt to myself.
That was the year when I moved into my first apartment with Bianca.
That was the year when I learned about my cleaning OCD tendencies.
That was the year when I started to feel even farther away from riverside friends than before.
That was the year where I realized that riverside COULD get even MORE boring (and lonely) than during my first year of college.
That was the year that I was humbled by not making it into the acapella (and not even making through to the second rounds)
That was the year of 11/11/11 11:11 and how it made me reminisce of when I was younger and talked about how amazing that moment would be.  And the realization of knowing that it's a minute, just like every other minute, and it really didn't matter. especially in the way I thought it would have.
That was the year that I realized how difficult it is to cook all of the time and grocery shop, etc.
That was the year that I realized I don't want a large house in the future because it's difficult to maintain.
That was the year I decided to join Precision for Vision, an optometry club, and hopefully pursue a career in optometry.
That was the year I made an idiot mistake of letting a stranger into my apartment and realized that maybe being TOO nice CAN be a bad thing.
That was the year that I decided to be official with Eric.
That was the year I learned more about myself.
That was the year when I first tried ethiopian food.
That was the year where I tried to be less passive and more communicative.


This is the year where I will continue to grow.

New Year's Resolutions:
(because it's one of those traditional formalities.)
1. Feel like I've really tried at something
2. Improve at one of my many wanted skills
3. Don't give up on Him.
4. Self-reflect and act on it!
5. Even if I don't accomplish these, at least keep them in mind during the year.

Sincerely,
Me.