Deep blue sea

Indulgences: (not)sneakily eating forbidden refreshments during choir concert intermission, playing cards games with choir folk during the concert instead of studying, watching the movie atonement, skipping some school for sickness, listening/watching in amazement of musical people be musical, driving around unnecessarily before getting home, closing the door and relishing in the warmth and coziness of my room, going to emm's party instead of night service
Listening to: old faves: Blackbird (the Across the Universe version and the Bobby McFermin version), Yearn by Shane and Shane, and Knees to the Earth by Watermark, plus the burned cd on repeat, everyday, all the time in my car.
Love: choir bonding, blog writing, the spirit that thrives in musicians, Doctor's storytelling, rereading People stylewatch and drooling over a CHEAP dress that's coming out soon. soonsoonsoon., part of the orchestra playing with the choir, smelling the two little icecream cones on my phone, mingling with people
Desire: More stability, content, more will to exercise, musicality, cooking skills, a better memory, more patience, decisiveness, determination
To Do for break(in addition to previously mentioned): dinner in LA w/thegirls, create a REALISTIC new years resolution, get wisdom teeth pulled out :[, eat a LOT before getting teeth pulled, read pride and prejudice and atonement, do all three planned days of Hoeger's EC, Listen to all the songs on his list, watch some of the movies on his list, read some of the books on his list,

12/15-I am thankful for not uncontrollably coughing during the entire concert, for people who take the extra effort to say "bye! have a safe drive!" when i'm walking alone to my coche, for having a couple of great guy friends, and for my father's care even though he's painfully disappointed in me.
12/16-I am thankful for bonding more with choir loves, not bitching out anyone even though I was moody/tired/stressed/pained, and for my father's attempt at communication.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
12/17-Thank you for friends who are able to be pleasant enough even though everyone's been having a bad week/day, waking up JUST in time for the keyclub meeting, a really cool extra credit opportunity.

"The world, the social world, was unbearably complicated, with two billion voices, and everyone's thoughts striving in equal importance and everyone's claim on life as intense, and everyone thinking they were unique, when no one was. One could drown in irrelevance." Ian McEwan
So, I began to read Atonement but didn't really have time to finish it, so instead I watched the movie. But I'm determined to keep reading it, especially during this break(: I came across this passage, and what a coincidence, because I've been pondering this exact sort of concept lately. Whenever I think that I'm going through things, or that I have some sort of thought that is different. I always think,.. does everyone else think this exact same thing, and think they're different as well? And, to be honest, it does make me feel irrelevant and insignificant. But then again, in a way, it's a tad comforting, knowing that we're all in the same boat. yeah? Cause, we all want someone/something to relate to, knowing that we're similar. So it's funny how while reading this passage that I've also slightly agreed with for quite some time, i found myself being comforted which is completely opposite of the concept completely... If that makes ANY sense at all...

I realize that in my blogs, in my mind, the words i'm saying come out like crystal clear. As if i'm totally making sense. but then when I read it over like weeks or even days after sometimes, it's liek wtf this is so gramatically and just overall incorrect that it's stunning. I have a feeling this is why most people don't understand me in writing AND in person, and why i always get the "awk" written EVERYWHERE on my essays by teachers.

At the moment, I'm debating between updating more often but with shorter posts, or continuing updating once a week or so but with overly long posts. I think I'll probably stick to the second.

blagh. ending this here just so that I can enter a blog in.
going M.I.A for a week. church camp. no cellphone, no internet, no means of communication until Christmas.
See you loves,
WAIT UP FOR ME TO DO FUN/COOL STUFF!

I hope this isn't a waste...
Heather.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Indulgences: all you can eat korean bbq, getting out of the house&going to coffee cartel, looking at these/becoming amazed at young talent, not going to the hospital for the third week in a row, calling my laziness "senioritis", watching sweet november(: , opening up to another friend, rereading old posts, looking at this(WHILE i'm hungry as well)
Love: dorothy directing us during choir, reminiscing, support, meteor showers, people giving you just a bit of something good on a terrible weekend, the smell of my perfume tehe, thinking about simply planning for europe, using just the foot heater in the car
Fails: cancelled celebration dinner, NOT GOING TO ROSEBOWL FLEA MARKET AGAINN, not making a christmas list, not doing any christmas shopping, forgetting to include stuff on apps and just remembering them just a couple of days-weeks ago, getting sick RIGHT before choir concert, bad weekend, not watching the meteor shower, barely fitting into my dress
Desire: these boots, this dress, maybe this dress, maybe this dress, a really cute umbrella, a cool vintagey-esque/pretty jewelry box, a lomography camera from urban, really pretty bedsheets!, polariod film, magazine subscriptions, cooking lessons, sewing/fashion design lessons, black ankle boots, flats, new grey vans, hotchoc spoons(these)
Desired to dos for winter break: cooking lessons, trip to disneyland, boiling crab with the choir girls+tanya, chinese theater, shopping trips, watch sherlock holmes, DISNEYLAND. DISNEYLAND. DISNEYLAND. GOING TO SEE HOLIDAY LIGHTS!!!

"if you don't appreciate this family, you can move out" "this(you) is my greatest failure" thanks dad....thanks. my dad thinks i'm going to be working at mcdonalds in the future. and that all my friends will abandon me because there's no more intellectual connection. and asked ME what was one thing i'm interested and good at. which means he can't think of ANYTHING i'm good at... frustrated. bad weekend. part of me feels like i can't wait to go to college and get out of here. but another part is just... i don't know.

on another note: winter break is comming up! i can't believe it! i feel like everything is happening and it just doesn't hit me. like halloween came too fast, so did thanksgiving break, and just EVERYTHING. This week is gna be BUSY. choir concerts, tests, econ project, party, christmas shopping(probably not gna do that till break, sorry kids.), and GAH. then winter break, i honestly just wanna like chill and stuff and not go to church camp.. but i probably REALLY need to go for my spiritual life. but i don't want to.. cause it's liek RIGHT when we get out of school for a full week. which means i'd be missing out on celebratory dinner, DCM, my sister comming back from HongKong, my dentist appointment, a fourth consecutive week of hospital, christmas shopping that needs to get done, family christmas celebration, christmas lights, time to hang out before getting my wisdom teeth out, etc. winter break ALSO means that finals are comming up soon soon soon AND that means that first semester is almost done which is good cause.. ya know SECOND SEMESTER. but NOT good cause raising of grades is going to be a MAJOR problem. i'm afraid i'm not going to graduate...

picked up my assembly dress today.. and the freaking lady ordered me a zero. WHY!? I DON'T KNOW. but it was SOO EFFIN TIGHT. i can barely breathe. BARELY. time to lose some of that stomach heather. *rolls eyes. what girls do for freaking clothing, sheesh. especially long white lace up gowns. *shakes head. (i have a funny feeling my exercise(non excercise) habit will remain constant.. and i'll just end up not breathing on the day of the ball thing)

will someone PLEASE go with me to disneyland and to go see christmas lights at that one street? PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE. they both are two of my FAVORITES during this time of year.

I realized that taking my own advice is way harder than imagined. I am an incredible hypocrite. Just the other day at helpline i was talking to this girl on the phone and she was saying how she's just completely lost in life. she's really promiscuous during the weekends and stuff, and wants a real relationship.. and blah blah and doesn't take interest in people and such. and i kept telling her things like oh well try different hobbies to get away from the partying scene. but she said excuses and stuff. but after we FINALLy hung up. i told the person who i was working with "oh my goodness the call i jsut got.. i just wanted to say 'just do it, like if you REALLY have the determination to do it, you just gotta get over yourself and do it. it's gna be tough, but suck it up' " and I realized, that in my own life, i don't follow this piece of advice AT. ALL.
and to someone else i was saying how like he/she had to just CHOOSE what they wanted, stick with it and play it out. don't look back on his/her choice, don't over think it. just DO IT.
and i don't do this AT ALL either.
and lately i've been giving the advice of "what ever makes you happy, do it" sort.. but like. I don't know.. when I went to church, part of the sermon was talking about how we should love others with God's love, and that means self sacrificing love. And I feel like what i've been saying to other people is so selfish. I don't know. the concepts of this world/american values/asian values/christian values are getting my mind all boggled. For one example: americans want you to be extremely outgoing and confident, asians are more meek, respectful and modest, christians should be righteous and humble. And I, as an asian american can not possibly see all of these traits in one person. so where do i stand in this mess?

I feel like I have to be like that addicted smoker in the "help me i can't help myself" video. one day she decided, REALLY decided to quit smoking. so she did. I need to REALLY decide to try harder and get myself together, and work on what i need to, and finish my goals. and just DO IT. but,.. will i? only time will tell.

At church, there was a sermon pertaining to love. "In the bible it says that 'Love is patient, love is kind, love is...etc' no where in the bible does it say that love is the emotions that you get" I thought that this was very realistic. Love isn't supposed to be those little butterflies in your stomach, that's called infatuation. "love is being able to show a person love, even when you've run out of love for them, even when they don't deserve it"
I've come to realize that God is much more important than I know. I feel like, the only thing that keeps someone together, is God. I feel like... God gives people the hope that they need, when they can't find it anywhere else. With God, anything is possible. And it's just so difficult for me to fathom this fantastic reason of why people turn to Him. And yet, even though I KNOW that it's my time to lay down everything for Him, I can't seem to. I feel like people who believe in God are so admirable. I mean it REALLY takes something to put full faith and trust into God, ya know? It's something that the average person can't understand, relying absolutely everything on a higher being. it's just.. beautiful, yeah?

at church, it was brought up before a praying session that we should think of three things that we're thankful for each day. (i'm mainly writing this here to remind myself.)
today I am thankful for witnessing that my father truly loves me(even though i'm unsure if i can handle this), making it home safe last night(freeway+super dark+raining+foggy in pv+no lights in pv=pretty hard drive), having a car to drive around in.

I should really get to my hw. au revoir loves.
Heather Huang
ps. While searching up "hope" in image search, the most prevalent image were rays from above/the sky. interesting, no? (and yet i really liked this sprouting plant from gravel one a bunch)
pps.I really want to learn to do those cool things with milk in the mugs
ppps. there will probably be posts with lots more food pictures, since i am officially in love with the pretty foods blog.
pppps. face life? unsure if i'm liking the changes, the fonts/font sizes have been going awol, however. so that must be fixed.

Is that too much to ask for?

Indulgences: A couple of hours of slightly lame black friday shopping, people stylewatch magazine(last issue :[ ), wearing nothing under a huge sweater w/leggings(super comfy day), cooking dinner with friends and hanging out when i should've been doing apps, sitting and letting someone push me around in a shopping cart in a grocery market, going shopping instead of studying for my tests.
Listening to: Ani Difranco-Both Hands, Ben Folds-You Don't Know Me, Norah Jones, Jess Delgado, Ingrid Michaelson station on Pandora(ohh how it gets me just right on, usually.)
Love: modesty, when songs match the exact mood of scenes in shows/movies/whatever, "Help me, I can't help myself" videos in psych, watching videos in psych, HBKC in hoeger's class,
Desire: more discipline to not be late to things, large chunky knits, black booties, large range of shoes, solid support system, not missing things, lots of money=>shopping trip, hangouts(many of them), a guyfriend. FRIEND, THAT IS A BOY, (who will want to be there for me&everything, W/O expectations of being more than friends.), to go to japan(soooooooo baddllyyyyy), to actually be studying/learning the subjects that i'm taking, reconnect/connect with people, put more effort on God

Pictures: 1. This girl is my absolute favorite at the moment. Check her out at leblogdebetty.com she's so ultra adorable. I think I love her because of 1.her hair 2.her overall look 3.she's french 4.just look at her!
2. I am actually completely and totally in love with this Asos studded bustier that she donned. I'm not sure why it is that I adore it so much. Possibly because it's a tad racy and yet so edgy and sexy- the way she paired it with a leather jacket that makes a perfect couple. Or maybe it's because I wish I could wear things like that but can't because my lack of boobage. whatever the case may be, it's divine.

So, this wasn't exactly the type of entry that I wanted to write the next time I wrote an entry Ya know when something bad happens and you just KNOW it's only the beginning of a terrible chain/week of badness? yup. that basically happened to me. Yesterday wasn't a bad day either. Just a couple of bad things happened. ya know?
So before, i think i wrote that i love realizations.... but, everything has two sides. Yesterday was a bad-slap sort of realization. Or, rather... I already realized this situation, it's just that...no one has ever confirmed it in front of my face, ya know? It's not a bad thing. it was just. sudden. a tad stunning.
"You're the bitch in the situation"
Yeah, it's true. I'm being inconsiderate. I'm sorry. And yet... that little intsy bit inside of me, STILL thinks it's unfair. but whatever....
Yesterday something else happened. but don't feel like sharing.

on another note.. APPS. YOU ARE DONE. DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE. NO MORE. EVER. AND EVER AND EVER. the application process is over, and I couldn't be any more glad. however, I thought that life would be a breeze with this burden lifted. But, this week is INSANE. and not at all stressless. what a shame.

How difficult is it to find simply the perfect large chunky knit? I suppose harder than I thought... On black friday, i found the almost PERFECT one at Urban outfitters, but asian-me didn't buy it because 1. it wasn't on sale 2. it was 54 dollars. But I love it... :[. Realizing my mistake, I went back today to search for it. Sadly, it wasn't there. there was a different black wannabe that was $68 but simply not the same. I went to multiple stores and sadly, none of the ones that I found seemed to measure up. I bought one today from H&M however, because I desperately wanted one to go with my outfit tomorrow. Sad? I agree. So I suppose that the one I got today shall suffice for my desperate NEED for chunky knits,...for now.

So, I'm definitely thinking of starting to buy like a whole bunch of shoes now that have heels on them. like.. the boots that I want and such. but i don't know if i'd wear them to school. I want to,.. but i feel like it's a bit too extreme for casual-school. plus people would be like wtf mate. AND i don't know if i can bear the pain of heels for full school-days worth. AAAH, THE CONTEMPLATION.

Aah, so once again, this isn't the kind of entry that I thought I would be writing. The one that I thought I would be writing is the kind that was positive, thoughtful, meaningful, with a tad of obsession for clothes. But, as you can see, it is all the opposite. and now my mind is completely blank, although there was so much I wanted to write about, I cannot seem to conjure up anymore words. So I shall end here.

...and Yes, that(whatever it may be-a chunky knit, a guy friend,...) is ALWAYS too much to ask for, apparently...

au revoir loves,
Heather <3
photocredit: leblogdebetty.com