Deep blue sea

Indulgences: (not)sneakily eating forbidden refreshments during choir concert intermission, playing cards games with choir folk during the concert instead of studying, watching the movie atonement, skipping some school for sickness, listening/watching in amazement of musical people be musical, driving around unnecessarily before getting home, closing the door and relishing in the warmth and coziness of my room, going to emm's party instead of night service
Listening to: old faves: Blackbird (the Across the Universe version and the Bobby McFermin version), Yearn by Shane and Shane, and Knees to the Earth by Watermark, plus the burned cd on repeat, everyday, all the time in my car.
Love: choir bonding, blog writing, the spirit that thrives in musicians, Doctor's storytelling, rereading People stylewatch and drooling over a CHEAP dress that's coming out soon. soonsoonsoon., part of the orchestra playing with the choir, smelling the two little icecream cones on my phone, mingling with people
Desire: More stability, content, more will to exercise, musicality, cooking skills, a better memory, more patience, decisiveness, determination
To Do for break(in addition to previously mentioned): dinner in LA w/thegirls, create a REALISTIC new years resolution, get wisdom teeth pulled out :[, eat a LOT before getting teeth pulled, read pride and prejudice and atonement, do all three planned days of Hoeger's EC, Listen to all the songs on his list, watch some of the movies on his list, read some of the books on his list,

12/15-I am thankful for not uncontrollably coughing during the entire concert, for people who take the extra effort to say "bye! have a safe drive!" when i'm walking alone to my coche, for having a couple of great guy friends, and for my father's care even though he's painfully disappointed in me.
12/16-I am thankful for bonding more with choir loves, not bitching out anyone even though I was moody/tired/stressed/pained, and for my father's attempt at communication.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
12/17-Thank you for friends who are able to be pleasant enough even though everyone's been having a bad week/day, waking up JUST in time for the keyclub meeting, a really cool extra credit opportunity.

"The world, the social world, was unbearably complicated, with two billion voices, and everyone's thoughts striving in equal importance and everyone's claim on life as intense, and everyone thinking they were unique, when no one was. One could drown in irrelevance." Ian McEwan
So, I began to read Atonement but didn't really have time to finish it, so instead I watched the movie. But I'm determined to keep reading it, especially during this break(: I came across this passage, and what a coincidence, because I've been pondering this exact sort of concept lately. Whenever I think that I'm going through things, or that I have some sort of thought that is different. I always think,.. does everyone else think this exact same thing, and think they're different as well? And, to be honest, it does make me feel irrelevant and insignificant. But then again, in a way, it's a tad comforting, knowing that we're all in the same boat. yeah? Cause, we all want someone/something to relate to, knowing that we're similar. So it's funny how while reading this passage that I've also slightly agreed with for quite some time, i found myself being comforted which is completely opposite of the concept completely... If that makes ANY sense at all...

I realize that in my blogs, in my mind, the words i'm saying come out like crystal clear. As if i'm totally making sense. but then when I read it over like weeks or even days after sometimes, it's liek wtf this is so gramatically and just overall incorrect that it's stunning. I have a feeling this is why most people don't understand me in writing AND in person, and why i always get the "awk" written EVERYWHERE on my essays by teachers.

At the moment, I'm debating between updating more often but with shorter posts, or continuing updating once a week or so but with overly long posts. I think I'll probably stick to the second.

blagh. ending this here just so that I can enter a blog in.
going M.I.A for a week. church camp. no cellphone, no internet, no means of communication until Christmas.
See you loves,
WAIT UP FOR ME TO DO FUN/COOL STUFF!

I hope this isn't a waste...
Heather.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Indulgences: all you can eat korean bbq, getting out of the house&going to coffee cartel, looking at these/becoming amazed at young talent, not going to the hospital for the third week in a row, calling my laziness "senioritis", watching sweet november(: , opening up to another friend, rereading old posts, looking at this(WHILE i'm hungry as well)
Love: dorothy directing us during choir, reminiscing, support, meteor showers, people giving you just a bit of something good on a terrible weekend, the smell of my perfume tehe, thinking about simply planning for europe, using just the foot heater in the car
Fails: cancelled celebration dinner, NOT GOING TO ROSEBOWL FLEA MARKET AGAINN, not making a christmas list, not doing any christmas shopping, forgetting to include stuff on apps and just remembering them just a couple of days-weeks ago, getting sick RIGHT before choir concert, bad weekend, not watching the meteor shower, barely fitting into my dress
Desire: these boots, this dress, maybe this dress, maybe this dress, a really cute umbrella, a cool vintagey-esque/pretty jewelry box, a lomography camera from urban, really pretty bedsheets!, polariod film, magazine subscriptions, cooking lessons, sewing/fashion design lessons, black ankle boots, flats, new grey vans, hotchoc spoons(these)
Desired to dos for winter break: cooking lessons, trip to disneyland, boiling crab with the choir girls+tanya, chinese theater, shopping trips, watch sherlock holmes, DISNEYLAND. DISNEYLAND. DISNEYLAND. GOING TO SEE HOLIDAY LIGHTS!!!

"if you don't appreciate this family, you can move out" "this(you) is my greatest failure" thanks dad....thanks. my dad thinks i'm going to be working at mcdonalds in the future. and that all my friends will abandon me because there's no more intellectual connection. and asked ME what was one thing i'm interested and good at. which means he can't think of ANYTHING i'm good at... frustrated. bad weekend. part of me feels like i can't wait to go to college and get out of here. but another part is just... i don't know.

on another note: winter break is comming up! i can't believe it! i feel like everything is happening and it just doesn't hit me. like halloween came too fast, so did thanksgiving break, and just EVERYTHING. This week is gna be BUSY. choir concerts, tests, econ project, party, christmas shopping(probably not gna do that till break, sorry kids.), and GAH. then winter break, i honestly just wanna like chill and stuff and not go to church camp.. but i probably REALLY need to go for my spiritual life. but i don't want to.. cause it's liek RIGHT when we get out of school for a full week. which means i'd be missing out on celebratory dinner, DCM, my sister comming back from HongKong, my dentist appointment, a fourth consecutive week of hospital, christmas shopping that needs to get done, family christmas celebration, christmas lights, time to hang out before getting my wisdom teeth out, etc. winter break ALSO means that finals are comming up soon soon soon AND that means that first semester is almost done which is good cause.. ya know SECOND SEMESTER. but NOT good cause raising of grades is going to be a MAJOR problem. i'm afraid i'm not going to graduate...

picked up my assembly dress today.. and the freaking lady ordered me a zero. WHY!? I DON'T KNOW. but it was SOO EFFIN TIGHT. i can barely breathe. BARELY. time to lose some of that stomach heather. *rolls eyes. what girls do for freaking clothing, sheesh. especially long white lace up gowns. *shakes head. (i have a funny feeling my exercise(non excercise) habit will remain constant.. and i'll just end up not breathing on the day of the ball thing)

will someone PLEASE go with me to disneyland and to go see christmas lights at that one street? PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE. they both are two of my FAVORITES during this time of year.

I realized that taking my own advice is way harder than imagined. I am an incredible hypocrite. Just the other day at helpline i was talking to this girl on the phone and she was saying how she's just completely lost in life. she's really promiscuous during the weekends and stuff, and wants a real relationship.. and blah blah and doesn't take interest in people and such. and i kept telling her things like oh well try different hobbies to get away from the partying scene. but she said excuses and stuff. but after we FINALLy hung up. i told the person who i was working with "oh my goodness the call i jsut got.. i just wanted to say 'just do it, like if you REALLY have the determination to do it, you just gotta get over yourself and do it. it's gna be tough, but suck it up' " and I realized, that in my own life, i don't follow this piece of advice AT. ALL.
and to someone else i was saying how like he/she had to just CHOOSE what they wanted, stick with it and play it out. don't look back on his/her choice, don't over think it. just DO IT.
and i don't do this AT ALL either.
and lately i've been giving the advice of "what ever makes you happy, do it" sort.. but like. I don't know.. when I went to church, part of the sermon was talking about how we should love others with God's love, and that means self sacrificing love. And I feel like what i've been saying to other people is so selfish. I don't know. the concepts of this world/american values/asian values/christian values are getting my mind all boggled. For one example: americans want you to be extremely outgoing and confident, asians are more meek, respectful and modest, christians should be righteous and humble. And I, as an asian american can not possibly see all of these traits in one person. so where do i stand in this mess?

I feel like I have to be like that addicted smoker in the "help me i can't help myself" video. one day she decided, REALLY decided to quit smoking. so she did. I need to REALLY decide to try harder and get myself together, and work on what i need to, and finish my goals. and just DO IT. but,.. will i? only time will tell.

At church, there was a sermon pertaining to love. "In the bible it says that 'Love is patient, love is kind, love is...etc' no where in the bible does it say that love is the emotions that you get" I thought that this was very realistic. Love isn't supposed to be those little butterflies in your stomach, that's called infatuation. "love is being able to show a person love, even when you've run out of love for them, even when they don't deserve it"
I've come to realize that God is much more important than I know. I feel like, the only thing that keeps someone together, is God. I feel like... God gives people the hope that they need, when they can't find it anywhere else. With God, anything is possible. And it's just so difficult for me to fathom this fantastic reason of why people turn to Him. And yet, even though I KNOW that it's my time to lay down everything for Him, I can't seem to. I feel like people who believe in God are so admirable. I mean it REALLY takes something to put full faith and trust into God, ya know? It's something that the average person can't understand, relying absolutely everything on a higher being. it's just.. beautiful, yeah?

at church, it was brought up before a praying session that we should think of three things that we're thankful for each day. (i'm mainly writing this here to remind myself.)
today I am thankful for witnessing that my father truly loves me(even though i'm unsure if i can handle this), making it home safe last night(freeway+super dark+raining+foggy in pv+no lights in pv=pretty hard drive), having a car to drive around in.

I should really get to my hw. au revoir loves.
Heather Huang
ps. While searching up "hope" in image search, the most prevalent image were rays from above/the sky. interesting, no? (and yet i really liked this sprouting plant from gravel one a bunch)
pps.I really want to learn to do those cool things with milk in the mugs
ppps. there will probably be posts with lots more food pictures, since i am officially in love with the pretty foods blog.
pppps. face life? unsure if i'm liking the changes, the fonts/font sizes have been going awol, however. so that must be fixed.

Is that too much to ask for?

Indulgences: A couple of hours of slightly lame black friday shopping, people stylewatch magazine(last issue :[ ), wearing nothing under a huge sweater w/leggings(super comfy day), cooking dinner with friends and hanging out when i should've been doing apps, sitting and letting someone push me around in a shopping cart in a grocery market, going shopping instead of studying for my tests.
Listening to: Ani Difranco-Both Hands, Ben Folds-You Don't Know Me, Norah Jones, Jess Delgado, Ingrid Michaelson station on Pandora(ohh how it gets me just right on, usually.)
Love: modesty, when songs match the exact mood of scenes in shows/movies/whatever, "Help me, I can't help myself" videos in psych, watching videos in psych, HBKC in hoeger's class,
Desire: more discipline to not be late to things, large chunky knits, black booties, large range of shoes, solid support system, not missing things, lots of money=>shopping trip, hangouts(many of them), a guyfriend. FRIEND, THAT IS A BOY, (who will want to be there for me&everything, W/O expectations of being more than friends.), to go to japan(soooooooo baddllyyyyy), to actually be studying/learning the subjects that i'm taking, reconnect/connect with people, put more effort on God

Pictures: 1. This girl is my absolute favorite at the moment. Check her out at leblogdebetty.com she's so ultra adorable. I think I love her because of 1.her hair 2.her overall look 3.she's french 4.just look at her!
2. I am actually completely and totally in love with this Asos studded bustier that she donned. I'm not sure why it is that I adore it so much. Possibly because it's a tad racy and yet so edgy and sexy- the way she paired it with a leather jacket that makes a perfect couple. Or maybe it's because I wish I could wear things like that but can't because my lack of boobage. whatever the case may be, it's divine.

So, this wasn't exactly the type of entry that I wanted to write the next time I wrote an entry Ya know when something bad happens and you just KNOW it's only the beginning of a terrible chain/week of badness? yup. that basically happened to me. Yesterday wasn't a bad day either. Just a couple of bad things happened. ya know?
So before, i think i wrote that i love realizations.... but, everything has two sides. Yesterday was a bad-slap sort of realization. Or, rather... I already realized this situation, it's just that...no one has ever confirmed it in front of my face, ya know? It's not a bad thing. it was just. sudden. a tad stunning.
"You're the bitch in the situation"
Yeah, it's true. I'm being inconsiderate. I'm sorry. And yet... that little intsy bit inside of me, STILL thinks it's unfair. but whatever....
Yesterday something else happened. but don't feel like sharing.

on another note.. APPS. YOU ARE DONE. DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE. NO MORE. EVER. AND EVER AND EVER. the application process is over, and I couldn't be any more glad. however, I thought that life would be a breeze with this burden lifted. But, this week is INSANE. and not at all stressless. what a shame.

How difficult is it to find simply the perfect large chunky knit? I suppose harder than I thought... On black friday, i found the almost PERFECT one at Urban outfitters, but asian-me didn't buy it because 1. it wasn't on sale 2. it was 54 dollars. But I love it... :[. Realizing my mistake, I went back today to search for it. Sadly, it wasn't there. there was a different black wannabe that was $68 but simply not the same. I went to multiple stores and sadly, none of the ones that I found seemed to measure up. I bought one today from H&M however, because I desperately wanted one to go with my outfit tomorrow. Sad? I agree. So I suppose that the one I got today shall suffice for my desperate NEED for chunky knits,...for now.

So, I'm definitely thinking of starting to buy like a whole bunch of shoes now that have heels on them. like.. the boots that I want and such. but i don't know if i'd wear them to school. I want to,.. but i feel like it's a bit too extreme for casual-school. plus people would be like wtf mate. AND i don't know if i can bear the pain of heels for full school-days worth. AAAH, THE CONTEMPLATION.

Aah, so once again, this isn't the kind of entry that I thought I would be writing. The one that I thought I would be writing is the kind that was positive, thoughtful, meaningful, with a tad of obsession for clothes. But, as you can see, it is all the opposite. and now my mind is completely blank, although there was so much I wanted to write about, I cannot seem to conjure up anymore words. So I shall end here.

...and Yes, that(whatever it may be-a chunky knit, a guy friend,...) is ALWAYS too much to ask for, apparently...

au revoir loves,
Heather <3
photocredit: leblogdebetty.com

Dark Nights

Indulgences: 2 trips to starbucks this week, holiday drinks(what's the difference between espresso truffle and cafe mocha? care to enlighten me? they're both delicious.), fashion blog surfing, Actually being slightly interested in one of those lame videos that you watch in class that EVERYONE sleeps to, thinking that a classmate is SO adorable in that baby-cute way(even though he's only a couple of years younger than me), thinking that Mr. Doctor is totally adorable in a baby-cute/quirky cute sort of way, watching nicole win antm(YESSSS. i was rooting for her all along.)
Listening to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnDtb6va_TI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=559drxD_yGU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMrqBldlqzA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP_B0dTrvv0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4duPAhDGHhk
(old addicted/repeat youtube stuff, basically)
Love: people who can hold their own ground, super friendly employees, being cheery while singing choir songs/stupid things, strangely awesome awkward people, giant gummy bears, hot chocolate+soft blanket+fuzzy socks on a cold night,
Desire: TO BE FREAKING DONE WITH COLLEGE APPS. 'nough said...., fashionable clothes and shoes and accessories, SLR+awesome photog&model skills, long wavy hair with straight bangs(slightly edgy looking) and to be able to do the edgy curly bob, cooperative hair, closer relationships

picture 1:gorgeous. makes me wish i was white/have that classy, romantic essence.
picture 2: also makes me wish I was white&living in europe. she's absolutely adorable. Love her blog. So freaking jealous of europeans.

Tuesday EARLY morning. Was a complete rebel and snuck out at 1 in the morning to see meteors. Didn't even do homework. Saw quite a few, but there was one in particular that was SPECTACULAR/BREATHTAKING. (: Next meteor shower in December. Can't wait.

I'm starting to really freak out about anything and everything. To the point where I can't concentrate on one task for more than like 2 minutes. seriously. I can't even concentrate on taking a break and write on this blog...
wtfmate. Essays. DAMN. DAMN. DDAMN.
i just realized. I have no idea who i'm going to have to read over my essays and edit them.
i'm so screwed out of my mind that it just amazes me.
I couldn't fall asleep very easily two days ago because of all the stress.
Then when i DID fall asleep. I had a horrible dream.
BASICALLY. i had a dream where i went off campus to eat lunch with friends. but for some reason, i got out of the car and decided to walk to the place we were going (because the driver kept going the wrong way) so.. i kept walking and walking and it was dark all of a sudde (??) and this was in the del amo/torrance area. But anyway, a car near me, while walking, gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. So I just looked, and kept walking. but all of a sudden, the guy in the car pulls out this machine gun and starts shooting. so i immediately fall to the floor for cover, then the guy starts aiming at me. and shoots me a couple of times in the leg. So, i'm on the floor, bleeding. and the cop waits like a couple of minutes then comes over to me with this huge like red pump/needle thing. and JAMS it in my chest and starts pumping. and like in the dream i can like FEEL it like iono, it was INSANE. And then i remember that i havn't eaten anything, so for some reason in my mind it's like. since i didn't eat anything, my blood is thinner, and so i'm bleeding more. And i KNOW i'm going to die.
then i wake up.
it's really weird. because, previously, i've had a couple of dreams where other people died. And in each one, i wake up to find myself crying. So, you'd think that in this dream, the one where I die, i'd wake up crying too, right? but i woke up just pretty.. regularishly. weird? i think so.

There's all these things I want to blog about. But I feel so guilty if i spend that much time blogging.
but then while applying i'm so uncertain, and unfocused, and freaking out that i can't get anything done.
And for school i'm just so lazy and so flustered and hopeless.
And for hobbies i'm just so guilty, insecure, frustrated
So all i end up doing is sort-of-not-really sleeping. More like closing my eyes, but not getting real rest. Sleeping with the lights on/on the couch(or very often, a combo of both) never really does it for me.
All this sleep, and yet always tired, restless, unenergetic.
and while in face of other people, i attempt to conjure up every bit of energy in me to appear unzombie like.
helpp.

Can't wait for these apps to be freaking over with.
Coffee house dec 1 to celebrate being over with apps. choir thinger on dec 2. want to go to rosebowl flea market dec 13, REMINDER TO SELF: DO PICTURE BOARD FOR ASSEMBLY DUE DEC 6., eff yes. after apps, i definitely need some REELAXXINGGGG TIMEEE. definitely going to start cooking dinner, playing guitar, possibly using that sewing machine, music seshing, shopping, magazine reading, anything everything after apps. But once first semester is over.... concerts! going to far places! mini road trips! YES. PLEASE COME TO ME NOW.

I realized. More and more increasingly, my relationship with my parents is disappearing. Not only is it that we don't see each other much. And when we ARE both at home, i'm asleep or they're asleep, or they're upstairs while i'm downstairs. But when those seldom dinners come when we're actually at the table together eating. Like just right now. Dad and I eating. This is basically what happened. He's eating, i get food sit down and eat. *silent eating...
Dad: "so, UC's are due nov 30th, what about USC?"
Me: "Dec first for scholarship possibility"
Dad:"and without?"
Me:"January"
Dad:"what about CSU's?"
Me: "they're due on nov 30th"
Dad:"oh"
*silence, dad finishes eating, leaves to take laptop upstairs. I continue eating....
A lot of the time I feel like strangers to my parents. I have a feeling like they don't really know me at all/much. *shrug, maybe it's all in my head(part of that teenage mindset.)

alright. well, that's all for now. I have more to say, but i'm forcing myself to stop here and not write again on here until I finish some of my essays. My goal is to be so concentrated on my essays and get so much done, that for some sanity, i'm forced to write on this blog. (be THAT much level of production), but i have a feeling...that's not going to happen.(but we can always hope right?)
there's always hope.

Je T'aime loves,
Heather
Photocredit: http://igorandandre.blogspot.com/, http://www.leblogdebetty.com/

je suis désolé

Indulgences: Eating until I can almost not breathe, reminiscing on old missed memories, actually enjoying some choir rehersals
Listening to: Carla Bruni, The Weepies, French music
Love: good singing, connecting, real conversations, genuine joyfulness/dedication, listening to other people talk about things, astonishing photography
Desire: perfect pitch, good resonance sort of sound/uniquely good singing voice, to excel and freaking get started on my new hobbies, more concentration on God, a moment like <= that

are you in the mood to be subdued?

My mood at the moment was very,.. uncertain. romantic, nostalgic, reminiscent, lazy,
Last last weekend, had a Vista Grande photo. It made me think of all the old times whether good or bad. Remembering the people i used to hang out with and now i barely know anything about them. Goes the same with Ridgecrest. Old crushes, old friends, old traditions, old anything. Things left behind. I tend to look on the past a lot, which is bad. And I can never really focus on what I have right now. Each time i see someone I always think of the before, but that goes for some people more than others.

fail: didn't go to fashion month things, nor did i go to any halloween haunt for the first time since liek.. 7th or sixth grade, didn't go to hellokitty happening thing, didn't go to truffle tasting

yup.
This weekend was halloween. Didn't really do much cept get together with some of the girls, make cool foil stuff , get free chipotle and go to yogurtland. yum yum. got meee a seven dollar pie. oh yeahhhh.

at times i get really irritated with people in general, such as stupid people who like to flaunt themselves in untasteless ways. I mean, like if you're going to show off your assests, do it in a way that's actually attractive.
But then sometimes i love people in general. seeing how different people are. Some are so incredibly compassionate and caring towards their friends, some are extremely talented and are able to do all sorts of different things. I really do think that every single person is interesting and good in some way or another.

You either are a christian or you're not. You either believe or you don't. You either have faith, or you don't. I'm having troubles with this point that was brought up during church. I mean, it makes total sense. But I can't seem to know where to place myself. At the moment I'm feeling liek i'm lingering in the grey area between having faith and don't, since my faith isn't strong. but if it's only partial, does that mean that i don't have faith at all? maybe. i'm not really sure.
So, I guess i just got to work on that. making it full. I need to start studying the bible more, because i'm so terribly weak in the bible knowledge apartment that it's depressing. Yeah, I definitely regret that huge lapse in time where i missed church and religious education to go to chinese school instead. and i STILL don't know chinese. it was a lose lose sort of thing.
Also, it's really difficult at my church since it's largely principle ish. Like... it's easy to feel influenced and christiany through emotional sort of ways. but it's amazing that my church makes me realize that i can't be a christian just based on those temporary powerful emotions. It's also the continuous discipline, principle and spirit that needs to be applied in order to maintain a strong religious faith.

So, it's not really hitting me yet that i am SO INCREDIBLY INSANELY behind on college applications. You don't understand, i havn't even started my essays, cause i can't seem to think of a topic. I am THE WORST essay writer you will meet that is this age. I'm not joking. Definitely regreting skipping out on all those books needed to be read, actually trying to write good essays, etc. I sound like a first grader in comparison to all of my other classmates. It's pathetic. And the worst part is, is that I can't catch up anymore. I'm simply illiterate. I'm flustered. I'm unknowledgible. I'm uninteresting. I'm cliche.

it's official. I am going to europe. sent in my money. actually, i'm not sure if i made it in, but i'm like 90% sure i'm in. european dream 2010 here i come. Excited, afraid, eager, curious, all wrapped up and bouncing around in me. Super excited for london, paris, rome. Aaah.(: I'm wondering how in the world i'm going to pack. I remember my sister told me that one of the hotels she went to during her euro trip they had to carry their luggage up a buncha stairs. but she luckily had my cousin with her to help. I however,... oh my, i don't think i'd be able to do that. oomph.

Someday I'll fly away.

In the mood for singing and watching semiromantic movies/shows, but mainly the former. Possibly Moulin Rouge?. I also want to watch Paris, Je taime. never seen that one, but it sounds like it'd be good.

All of my posts, are written over a long time span of mulitple days, plus they're not connecting, unorganized thoughts just rambling on. Fabulous, ey?
That's it for this moment...

Je Taime, Heather

Desire

Indulgences: pinkberry run at night, wearing my new shoes, browsing culture events, venting sesh, blogging instead of doing work
Loves: Taylor Momsen, personal and meaningful conversations, The Pretty Reckless, doing almost anything with the word sesh, making everything a ____ sesh.
Desires: to watch something during the film festival, go to the truffle tasting, to go shopping, to go to LA fashion month, to watch New York, I love you, and the september issues, and a plethora of other movies, to do something unique, to improve in guitar skills, to start sewing

Not everyone can model. Proof: my picture. Believe it or not, this was one of the BETTER of the takes. sad, ain't it? I was helping out Nathan for his photography assignment. But not going to lie, it was pretty fun. I'd love to have little photography seshes with anyone.(: Even IF i don't own a SLR. Love...taylor momsen. Loved her for quite a long time. What's making me love her more? her great photos and new knowledge that she sings.




So, for quite some time now, i've been oh so tempted to include a dislike, or something of the such section in my blogs. But I think if i begin to do that, i'll start to focus on more negative things rather than positive. So, I've changed my mind. I should also probably limit my want section, since it makes me focus on what i don't have. Sigh, oh well. I want to watch a million batrillion different movies. I also want to do like a WHOLE buncha cultured stuff. food festivals, film festivals, fashion month shows, indie films, art galleries, all of the sort. I also want to start listening to more classical music and a broader range of music. Also wishing for some make up lessons, cause i definitely don't know how to do make up for my life. All I do is eyeliner and mascara, and sure that's fine. but i mean, for special occasions, i want to know how to make myself just a BIT nicer looking, ya know? And we all know that you gotta master makeup applying for asians, cause it's COMPLETELY diff on asians than on other people.
I realized that reconnecting with old people is a lot harder than it seems. Or, maybe the act itself isn't. but getting over the fear/effort/all the such, is difficult. But I want that to be one of my goals. To reconnect with atleast one person.

I'm excited yet scared to meet new people in college. New people willing/wanting to get to know you. Something to look forward to, yes? But i feel like i'm missing out on the people that i already pass every single day. *sigh, iono.

I love those WOAH YOU JUST READ MY MIND moments. Such as when i put up blackbird as my status and garrett ims me with "WOAH I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THAT SONG THEN LOOKED AT YOUR STATUS". scaryyyy.
and today michelle joh just told me how she wants to go have a photoshoot, BEFORE i posted this post. woahhhh. It's great connecting with people like that.
WHEN IS OUR FIRST COFFEE HOUSE!? i'm getting very anxious for our school events to begin. Arn't we supposed to have atleast one coffee house each month? and movie night in december? love love love. I just realized, i havn't gone to any dances/football games/anything yet :[ lame.

I'm still pensive about my summer plans at the moment. I really want to go to europe, but don't know anyone that's going on the trip. I also want to go to asia, but am uncertain. I'm actually uncertain of what ANYONE'S doing over the summer... :[ except that some guys are going to hawaii. That seems like fun, but i mean it's SENIOR SUMMER. don't you wanna do something BIG like EUROPE? europe europe europe. i feel like i should go to asia this summer since i went to europe last summer, but something inside of me is still craving europe. I'm jealous of cedric, he's going to japan in spring break and then france in the summer. Oh, how i wish i could do plans similar to that.

Amor,
Chantal

Excess

Indulgence: 5+ hour nap, huge feast when i came home from school yesterday, spending 112 at H&M's opening day(leather skirt, black bucket bag, lace leggings, egyptian green top), style blogs, internet surfing in general
Coveting: Flappy vest thing(rihanna's for example), a macbook, an slr+photography class, confidence, confrontation skills, shield ring, military jacket, sparkly gold top, dress/cape-ish/pea/trench coat. (i forget who was wearing it, beyonce perhaps? maybenot)
Love: the color of the nail polish i got, too bad i suck at painting my nails. every intricate detail of music, "the nice guys", people who are able to go through things without complaining(coveted trait), spontaneous facts you don't know about anything/people

(Picture: utterly outrageous. I mean, I know it's fashion, but.. really?)

Bonjour.

but ANYWAYS. God works in mysterious ways.
I still don't get it. but, that's the point right?
that we're NOT going to completely understand Him and that we shouldn't try to make COMPLETE sense of Him. because once we do, or so, we'll feel better than Him, as if we ARE Him. I mean I'm sure many will disagree. But what I think is that, yes, we're trying to please him and understand His word to praise Him. But I don't think we should understand Him entirely. Cause, if I already understood everything, i probably wouldn't need Him, right? cause I know everything... I don't know. I'm still confused. which is part of my whole theory.
I'm not fond of christian haters. I don't understand why people hate christians. we're striving for a purity so divine and perfection. So, what's so wrong with ambition? America craves ambition, ours is just a different kind. And personally, I think it's a better kind. "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp. Or what's a heaven for?" Robert Browning
And don't think that by me saying all this i'm all CHRISTIAN CHRISTIAN. cause... i don't want to be labeled a hypocrite(even though i am). I want to be a strong faithful christian. but i'm not...yet. and me posting this, here, does not make me any higher or more religious than the next person.
I've been having some serious faith problems for a while. But, iono. It'll all work out.
I realized, a lot of things i put a side, and want to deal with them seperately, but i think the truth is, is that a lot of things, we just got to ride it out. Figure it out along the way. I'm not going to discover myself in a year with major thinking, taking a break from everything else. I just gotta deal with it, go along with life, and hope that it'll find me.

So on my way to church with my father, i was pleasantly surprised last week. To be honest, i absolutely dread my car rides with him. They usually involve long lectures about things, or like depressing talks that gets me so annoyed and just crazy. But this week was different. he started off with telling me about a story that he receieved in an email about a lady. She was saving this fine expensive silk dress in her husband's closet to wear to a special occasion. But, she passed away from a car accident or something before being able to wear it. So her husband put it on her for her funeral. So, the "moral" of the story was to live in the moment. right? but my dad was telling me his point of view about it. That he disagrees completely. That sometimes, yes, we should seize the moment. But that's not always advantageous. He discussed with me that this lady was actually lucky. She kept that hope of one day having a fabulous party and being able to wear that exquisite dress. And sometimes, that's all we need. That Hope to carry us along. Because I mean, if we always just did whatever. like we got that thing cause it'll make us happy now, we'll want more, and more, and more, until nothing will satisfy us anymore.

THIS WEEKEND I WENT TO THE JASON MRAZ CONCERT
I must say, it was very very fun and amazing. He definitely sounds better live.
it was... Ashley, Kelcey, Kelcie, Mari, RyanShio and I that attended. We rode the bus and ran into Tristan! The whole time I was in the bus, i don't know why but I just kept thinking how incredibly fun it would be to have like a little photoshoot in it. With all of the handlebars and such to play with. yup. But anyways. very fun.

Hi my name is heather and i avoid conflicts.
I can't seem to face any sort of conflicts, instead i shrivel away in cowardness and avoid it all together. I'm unsure why I can't seem to get the guts to just tackle my problems, solve it, go on. But I try to like.. ignore it and see if it just goes away.
I also do not have enough in me to actually dislike any particular person. Whenever people ask me "oh,.. do you like ____?" my response is usually "oh, iono, i don't really know them enough". I don't understand those people who hate people without even knowing them much. and even if they DO know them a lot, how can you hate them? We're all just people, going through the same things and such. We all have something to contribute to this world.
I'm extremely frustrated at the moment in many different ways, for many different reasons.

LA fashion month. this month. I want to go to ANYTHING. Most things are invite only. :[ but i'm determined to get tickets.
small list of to dos/to gos(newly discovered): LA fashion month, random yelp events, rose bowl flea market, R&R sample sale, hello kitty art&fashion happening, Extraordinary Desserts,.. more to come.

In need of a kbbq/nrb/movienight/music sesh/bonfire/anything at all hang out.

I'm not very pleased with this post. It has been a compilation of multiple days and the content is stupid. I'm going to post it now just because. but i will probably edit/delete/be too lazy to do anything about it.....later.... Je'ne sais pas

Amor,
Chantal
(mjoh and i are really cool. we have french names. we're going to learn french and have secret conversations in french.)

alexander mcqueen photocredits: fashiontoast.com

Bare

Indulgence: People Stylewatch magazine, NOT doing homework, listening to blackbird a million catrillion times
Coveting: motorcross jeans, fearlessness, normal conversation skills, patience, passion
Love: culinary related things, really friendly people, effort, people with musical abilities(especially in the singing, guitar playing, possibly piano or other cool instrument, sort of way. what's even better? when you combine them.), compassion

So...the other day, I was volunteering down at the Vons in SanPedro collecting receipts to donate to harbor interfaith. why? because there's a thing that says 10% back blah blah. and basically 10% of the amount you spend will be donated to whatever organization. And we're using it to feed homeless kids. BUT ANYWAY, that's not the point. the point was the variety of people that I encountered. The variety of people was such an eclectic collection. I must say, there are some CRRAAZZYY people in pedro. Then I compare them to pv, and i'm like. woah. hahaa but anyways. some people were just insane. Like one guy was asking what the thing was for and i said ten percent of what you buy goes to homeless children.
him: there arn't homeless in america. Me:mm, i think there are.. Him: YEAH? where?! Me: umm, i'm not positive, but this organization knows.. Him:all you guys have ipods and blah blah blah *walks away WITHOUT giving me a receipt.
jerk. Then some other guy was like. "hey, i'm homeless, help me" and i was like umm.. Him:"yeah why isn't anyone helping me?!? huh?" Me: uhhh....
Some other lady got all like crazy on me. and was liek WHY ARE YOU COLLECTING RECEIPTS? and i was like ten percent goes to blah blah blahhh... then she thought i was lying or something. and was like HOW DOES THAT WORK. and got all mean about it. and finally at the end and i was like please donate! and she liek angrily was like "NO!".
man, like i don't understand these people. it's not liek we're collecting actual money. that we could liek smuggle for ourselves. and like. dude we're like little asian people collecting it. do we look shady to you? i dont' think so. and i mean, we're just trynna do something good. they don't HAVE to help us, they can just like. ignore us or politely say nah. or something. they don't have to go all up in our business and like shut us down intensely and crap. cause what's the use of that? I don't get people who are like mean for no reason. It's extremely irritating. I understand if they had a bad day, but even if i had a bad day and was asked to donate, i'd ignore the people, go on my way. i wouldn't try to pick some sort of fight or something.
but anyway, i lovee the people that are so nice and are like exclaiming "I HAVE OTHER RECEIPTS AT HOME!" and tell us they're going to go get it. or those people that are amazed when they ask if anyone shuts us down and i reply "YES". and those people who just take the extra 2 seconds and say "good luck!". I really do think a bit of kindness can circulate through the world. Whoever said the nice guy finishes last, has it ALL wrong in my book.

I really wanted to go to the OC style/fashion week. :[ especially the one saturday from like 6pm or something. with Nordstroms and Metropark. *sighhh. and one of the days they had people from Seventeen magazine that were taking pictures of people to be like potential models for their magazine and like post some pictures online. dude, that sounds like fun just for "kicks". haha.

FOOD. FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD.
Sometimes i LOVE food. Every aspect of it. the textures, the colors, the plating, the tastes, the beauty of it when it all comes together in interesting ways. and sometimes, it's just the necessity of survival. eat it, done.
i'm unsure why i have such opposite ends of the spectrum- sort of opinion about it. But i do. I have made a decision that i'm going to atleast ATTEMPT to learn to cook by the time i get to college/in college. I mean there's just so many great pluses about it. 1.everyone/your dormmates will love you. 2.it's cheaper to cook than to go out all the time 3.it's fun to have cooking night ins 4.first step to independence.
But I don't want to just learn to cook. I want to be EXCELLENT at it. the kind where people say "let's go over to heather's, she's an amazing cook" sort of cook. I have a feeling I won't learn by then. but, one day. just watch. my kid is going to show up all of your kids at lunch sometime with his/her AMAZING meals. every single day. all day and all night baby. (totally jealous of the person who has people who love her enough to make THAT up there.) (and that lasagna dessert thing? amazing! innovative, colorful, just plain awesome.)

i hate liars. I understand that we all lie, i do. But i just really dislike those people that lie EXTREMELY FREQUENTLY. i don't understand the reasoning behind it. 1.you lose trust 2.it's stupid 3.why would you need to? ... it's just frustrating.

I miss the old times/the "oldtimes" in my mind. The times where kids would go out into the forest and catch bugs. NOT go and play rockband for hours in front of a television. The times when people would come together at a ball and dance those synchronized folkish dances. NOT go to dances and grind/ basically have dry sex upp on a wall. The times when if a boy and girl even glanced at each other from across the room, it was considered flirtatious and even a bit scandalous. NOT that a girl at age 15 ish having sex isn't all that much out of the ordinary. The times where people would come together and have cups of tea and intriguing conversations. NOT go out drinking, getting wasted, doing drugs, making out till who knows when. The times of class, poise, dignity, elegance, and grace. NOT raunchy, sex appeal, flaunting, gaudiness, and shallowness.

I feel like my posts are getting LONGER and LONGER...

je t'aime. Commet talle vous?
Heather

photocredit: thenibble.com, some random person

"You have bewitched me, body and soul"

Coveting: Skills, of any sort. Art class. British or Australian accent. SKINNY skinny legs. Gossip Girl set wardrobe.
Love: The Beatles. The complexity of art. Epiphanies. Oreo Klondike bars. My pink blanket+huge body pillow.

So, a couple of days ago I started to go into the sort of mode where I listen to music on repeat OVER AND OVER again. Mainly Beatles' songs like Elenor Rigby, Hey Jude, the more popular ones; and Ingrid Michaelson, You and I, Be Ok. I realized that I can spend countless hours just listening to music and singing, and not doing ANYTHING else. it's kind of REALLY strange. Such as. Right now is 7:25... I'm pretty sure I got home at around three... and the only things I remember doing are eating, attempting to learn guitar, and singing. that's it. for four and a half hours? oh me oh my. What in the MADNESS.

I don't like people that don't let other people get in their opinion or word.
just saying. I feel like if a person brought up an opinion, i would listen to it, and THEN respectfully disagree or agree. Not just automatically cut the person off.
Rudeness= Pet peeve. I like respectful people.

So instead of studying for tests or anything, I instead watched Pride and Prejudice yesterday. I've been meaning to read the book for quite sometime. It's sitting nicely on my shelf taunting me. But, I haven't seem to get around to it yet. After watching the movie yesterday, however, I think I might put aside some time and read it. Because the movie was absolutely beautiful. I can't even IMAGINE how the novel would be. I'm ecstatic.(: I wish people still talked in a similar manner as those in Pride and Prejudice. Their speech has such eloquence and power, that ours looks crude in comparison. I mean, I must admit, I am probably the epitome of California-talk. I probably sound like a total ditz in person. or ACTUALLY, I've been told that I talk like a guy so... *shrug. I actually despise how I talk.
I hate commercials during movies that play on tv.

I want to learn how to cook really extremely fantastically well.

My mind is everywhere, and I cannot seem to make it concentrate on one matter. It's going all wild, thinking random thoughts. I wonder how my sister is doing in Hong Kong. there's a typhoon there at the moment. :[ I hope she's alright, stuck with all the crazy nerds over there.

I need to take senior portraits... damn. 1.my hair is going to be too long once it's time 2.i don't know what to wear 3.i seem to always look HIDEOUS for pictures that matter. seriously. My license is a PRIME example. (man... i would definitely pay to get that retaken).
I don't like making fun of people. I feel uncomfortable when people point something out to me about someone (intentionally trying to make fun of them).
I don't understand why I'm so awkward.
Whenever I pick up the phone i always get told... "Heather..? is that you? what happened to your voice? nooo, this isn't heather, you're voice is so highhh" -.-x

So see that picture up there? That picture is actually in my house somewhere. I didn't really notice it until a year go or so. I realized that i love it. I always look at it and wish that I was that girl. (I'm lame, i know.) but, it's just so overly adorable and romantic. I hoping to dress up like that with a future boyfriend someday, possibly on some Halloween or something? Who knows.

lovelovelove,
heather. <3
"less than three!"

Obsessed

Indulgence: Read a ton of magazines today at borders which consist of ElleUK, Bristish Vogue, Nylon, Instyle Weddings, Color(a photography magazine), and Vogue Paris(in french, awesome.)

Coveting: black shrunken blazer, brown riding boots, a stylist/style, lots of money for clothes, a new hobby, a trip to europe...again

Love: fashiontoast.com, stylebubble.typepad.com

So, I was thinking... What makes photography good/editorial-status? i mean, while flipping through the photography magazine today, i was thinking to myself.. what makes this so special? i could've done that...?
is it how the artist has a collection that seems to intertwine together and yet each photo is individual? is it the lighting, the angle? what makes certain photos exquisite?
if anyone has an answer, let me know.

AAH, another fact about me: people usually don't understand what i'm saying because i make obscure sounds/hand gestures that NO one understands except for the people that are used to me.

Loving this ring bracelet thing that Rumi owns.

I was thinking today, and remembered how some people would always say things like "oh yeah she's so gorgeous, AND she acts, AND she sings... damn...she must have a crappy personality or something" (if you havn't heard this once or so, then maybe it's just all in my mind) but I think it's quite sad yet amusing how people seem to want to find the worst/flaws in people. But,..that's just what I think.

Saw this in a magazine, I believe it was ELLE UK? yep. and the artist is Tauba Auerback. It was under a section of artwork that was supposed to have a lasting impression on you. And at first when I saw this, i thought hm,.. alright, so what? Then I realized that Wasnt here was scrambled from the answer, now so what?... But then I read what the artist had to say. I think that a lot of the genius in artwork is what the artist has to say about his pieces.

"It's a perfect resolved phrase that tells there is no resolution. The emotional part follows the cerebral part. I get joy out of these logical loops. It makes me feel like the world is alright, because there is no truth." Tauba Auerback

You should check out his other artwork. Some are posted on http://www.jackhanley.com/show.php?show=10
Another one of my faves is SUBTRACTION (STARTLING)

So, Hope you guys had a wonderful three day weekend!

Amor, Heather


Photo Credits: Style.com, Fashiontoast.com, Jackhanley.com

Newbie.

Hello!
So I had an urge to start a blog for a couple of weeks or more and such. Why this sudden urge? unsure.
What is blogging for, anyways?
Do I want to start a blog cause...
1. I want attention?
2. Just to post things that you just want to get out there in the world
3. I'm a wuss and can't say things like this in person
4. Have nothing better to do with my time?
5. etc?
6. all of the above?

what ever the reason is, I simply wanted to start one, and I guess you can judge for yourselves which reason it is that I created this.

But ANYWAY...
I suppose introductions are in order.
Hello my name is Heather.
I'm extremely awkward.
I'm unsure what else to say, so when i think of things. I'll randomly say so.

This weekend was kind of dull. Went wedding dress shopping(for myself). not joking.
today I had all you can eat kbbq and hung out with churchers(: AND souplantation with the parentals.(two all you can eats in one day is not very good for you. i feel like i'm about to explode)

that's it. lame first post. I know.

au revoir.
i desperately want to learn french. so desperate, i'm youtubing it. yeah, SERIOUSLY.