Indulgences: lots of eating, finally going to the riverside museum, visiting a friend, going bowling, being cramped with a million asians at the 626 night market, becoming treasurer, watching the avengers midnight showing, watching a dance show, bought a moleskine, watching batman, eating at piccolo in venice, a second 626 market, going to the oc fair. artwalk, legoland, extraordinary desserts, meeting with good friends/good talks, la fair, lots of shows (master chef, suits, heroes, glee, project runway, glee project... etc.), visiting ucla, hanging in la with riverside friends, mao games, color me mine, raving rabbids, monopoly deal games, watching perks,
Desire: to go to a pen dance show again and choir show and drama production., confidence, to feel at home with my surroundings/ to find some place where I thrive, to bring some passion into my life, to be a better person, to be more productive, to be hardworking, to feel like i'm at the prime of my youth
Listening to: the sound of crickets chirping during the night, James Morrison: Wonderful World
Love: pierre (a giant tuxedo sam), piggy bowl, the thought that it's going to get colder soon, unexpected good things, the idea of things,
So there are all these things that I wanted to write about but never got to. And I'm not going to talk about them in this post either. Maybe in a post sometime soon. in the future. who knows.
That post is going to be of thoughts i've accumulated the past couple of months. good reminders to myself. Something good to reflect on.
This post, however, is not that. This is one of those: I need somewhere to write down how I feel cause I ain't doing so great at the moment--kind of posts. It's that post where I look back on and think: dang, I am incredibly melodramatic and really wished I didn't post this as a reminder to future me of how stupid I was/am. but, nonetheless, here it is.
For some reason, for the past week or so, I feel like something's slowly tearing my heart and soul away from me. and yet I have no clue what or why. I feel like a different person, or at least someone similar.. but a darker, worse version. It's one of those times where I secretly wished (and yet didn't) that there was actually something in my life that I can legitimately be sad about, just so that I can feel less like a dramatic teenager (or, excuse me, I mean a "young adult"). But it's just been some of those days where you just feel like crying your eyes out and secretly glare at everything and mutter hatred things in your mind and feel so mindless and soulless and so.. dead.
I feel like a drone.
Also,... why is it that I feel like everyone out there is moving somewhere in their life except for me? I feel like everyone's growing, learning, achieving. While I'm just plain.. stagnant.
I'm going to regret this,
I-really-need-to-suck-it-up-heather.
