A New Beginning

Indulgences: watching foodnetwork nonstop, looking at EVERY page of pretty foods(seriously. every. page.), eating rice(even though i'm not supposed to)
Looking for: my beloved "paris" necklace, a strong sense of myself
Love: this feeling, churchkids bonding, foodnetwork shows, travel channel, fineliving, interesting sermons, amazing mornings,
Desire: more discipline to exercise and get to things ontime, more understanding of God, more faith, harmonizing skills

HELLOOOO LOVELY BLOG.
SO. WOW. i feel like it's been a LONG time.
THINGS I WANT TO DISCUSS.
1.Church camp
2.New year
3.Wisdom teeth
4.First day back from school
5.Whatever comes to mind

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
SO. NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS. EVERY YEAR, i consistently make 1908u32409830341 goals and forget them INSTANTLY. So for this year, one of my resolutions is to actually follow through with at LEAST ONEEEEEE of my goals. These goals are to be determined later. By AT LEAST the end of this week. yes. (:
Wow, it's a new year. a new DECADE. Thinking over this past year has been quite a challenging task. I see many strugglings, difficulties, and darkish times. Although I do feel this way, I think the best thing for me to do is to look back and think of all the things that I am really thankful for, instead. A challenging task, but also one needed.

WISDOM TEETH. OUT. the lack of food is driving me insane. I just weighed myself today, and i weighed in at around 108. and this was AFTER i ate some food. before when i used to weigh myself i was around 112 ish. what the ridiculo. Once I can eat again, I will most likely definitely be gaining back that weight (and then some) in a blink. I think that may be the reason for my overbearing fatigue lately. Also the wisdom teeth are causing slight migraines. bleh. But i'm so thankful to the Lord that I didn't have much/any actual PAIN pain after the operation. thankyouthankyouthankyou.

Church camp. So, Before, i was EXTREMELY reluctant to go. but while there, i guess I really should've putten MORE effort into everything. But, i still reaped benefits. Usually when I go to church camp, i come back SO SPIRITUALLY high, and CRASH within a couple of days. But this time however, I think God made sure that I wasn't 100% recharged because He's trying to tell me that to reach that point, i truly need to spiritually cultivate at home. I do, though, slowly feel God's spirit subtly working within me. I feel so much more sensitive to things I say and do, and things that others say/do. (but often times, i do the wrong action and realize after. boo.) But yeah, I feel a lot better off now rather than before. But even though I feel more spiritual now, I feel so incredibly incompetent compared to others and ehh. I don't know. oh well. Trying to read the bible every morning so that God's word is floating around in my mind as my day goes, but it's quite difficult since I keep waking up SUPER late each day and already feel SUPER rushed AND end up being REALLY late to zero. bagh.
Today I was thinking about how God wants us to shine like stars and to have others see Jesus Christ in us. I consistently have troubles with this. Not only was i discouraged because of the occasional "Oh, I didn't know you were religious" comment, but also because of my lack of comprehension. What is it that's going to seperate me from others? What will it be that will make people go, wow. this girl is different from everyone else because of God? And to be honest, I think a large reason for my struggle with this, is that i don't really see this characteristic in others either. Everyone seems so similar. We all talk about the same things, indulge in the same things, etc. Because I feel like God wants me to be someone where... when a person meets me, they instantly can tell that I am different from others. ya know? Still tossing this around in my mind.

So, Monday morning rolls around. And I pull out of my garage and i see the most majestic sky i've seen ever. It was.. magical. Along the entire ride to school, i simply relished in God's wondrous works and i felt like i was in a magical world. Sadly, I didn't take a picture. but i became ECSTATIC when i saw that erika castillo posted pictures. thank youu. First day back from school was pretty unexciting. I felt really disconnected from friends since i've been like mia all winter break. But I guess i'm now slowly connecting again. It still feels pretty weird though.

I'm REALLY disliking the construction on Hawthorne... and how they like stripped down the road. when i drive over it, i simply cringe. it's like nails on a chalkboard. Driving over that unsmoothed bumpy gravel, it feels like i'm completely destroying my car/tires.

I'm absolutely DYING to try to make those cute cupcake pops. they're SO ADORABLE!

So, I've been reflecting on my fashion obsession. part of me thinks like, eeh it's alll good i like clothes, so what? But when i think about it, it probably really does harm my relationship with God. I constantly want more money to get more clothes, and iono it distracts my mind. I've been really struggling with trying to not care of my appearance and of fashion. But i've been feeling SO incredibly gross and hideous lately with ugly clothes and no makeup. But it's overwhelmingly difficult. And i'm unsure if i should find a happy medium, or completely get rid of it, i'm mainly uncertain because i don't think i'm capable of finding this happy medium. this one's gna need a LOTTTTTT of prayer.
Also, speaking of issues that are going to require a lot of prayer. family. my mom's side of the family to be specific. I have HUGE issues with them. It's come to the point where i'm pretty sure i don't even love them, or maybe even despise them. "...anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgement. Again, anyone who says to his brother, Raca (aramaic term of contempt), is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." Jesus Christ has made the sin of hate just as severe and equivalence to the sin of murder. And it's really difficult for my mind to wrap around the fact that I need to love my mother's side of the family, despite their nature.

So today had a more communicative talk with father. Thank you God, for you truly do listen to my prayers. When I thought that there was no hope for our relationship, you show me a small spark that promises hope for us.

I've been thinking, and I wished my purpose for things were for God. I wished I didn't want to pierce my ears or get tattos because God doesn't want me to change, alter, or pierce my body in any form(not because I just havn't/don't see the point). I wish I didn't want to smoke, do drugs, drink because for God I should be holy, seperated(not because i think it's stupid and gross). etc...

Alrighty, well, that's all for now. next post will be by the end of the week with resolutions posted(so that i can reread them and remind myself to follow through) (:
Au revoir,
Heather.

photocredit: Erika Castillo, bakerella.com